/lit/

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/lit/

Bored of the imageboard.


4 posters

    Poetry: Garbo

    theswedisheditor
    theswedisheditor
    theswedisheditor


    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2012-04-21
    Location : Sweden
    • Post n°1

    Poetry: Garbo Empty Poetry: Garbo

    Post  theswedisheditor Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:29 am

    Garbo

    Silhouetted video vixen
    Dancing slow
    on tv-screens.

    Muffled bass
    Strobelight hugging
    Distant dance floor screams.

    There is a quickening.
    Bursting brief
    through the neon night.

    And a vague scent
    carrying
    99-cent couture.

    I love these
    bargain bin emperesses.
    K-mart fashionista single moms.

    With kids named Dans,
    Toms, Dicks and Harrys.
    We dance, dance, danced.



    Since I cannot submit my shitty poetry to TAR i'll guess im gonna have to post it here.

    Good luck with the forum.


    Last edited by theswedisheditor on Fri May 04, 2012 8:56 am; edited 1 time in total
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    Tiresias
    Tiresias
    Tiresias
    Admin


    Posts : 34
    Join date : 2012-04-21
    • Post n°2

    Poetry: Garbo Empty Re: Poetry: Garbo

    Post  Tiresias Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:32 am

    The final stanza is fantastic! I'd like to discuss it further, but I'm just trying to get the forum going at the moment. Thanks for joining!
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    perkunas
    perkunas
    perkunas


    Posts : 49
    Join date : 2012-04-21
    • Post n°3

    Poetry: Garbo Empty Re: Poetry: Garbo

    Post  perkunas Sat Apr 21, 2012 12:36 pm

    theswedisheditor wrote:I love these
    bargain bin emperesses.
    K-mart fashionista single moms.

    Amazing.
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    theswedisheditor
    theswedisheditor
    theswedisheditor


    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2012-04-21
    Location : Sweden
    • Post n°4

    Poetry: Garbo Empty Re: Poetry: Garbo

    Post  theswedisheditor Sat Apr 21, 2012 11:01 pm

    I was thinking that I could remove the first two stanzas all together?

    Since they are rather worthless and perhaps write something else in its place or just shorten the poem.
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    Fergus
    Fergus
    Fergus


    Posts : 18
    Join date : 2012-04-21
    Location : Dublin
    • Post n°5

    Poetry: Garbo Empty Re: Poetry: Garbo

    Post  Fergus Sun Apr 22, 2012 7:00 am

    Damn, this is really good. I love the play on scent/cent, and the phrase "bargain bin emperesses" is inspired.
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    • Post n°6

    Poetry: Garbo Empty Re: Poetry: Garbo

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